


South Park vs FanFiction

by fanfictioniwrite



Category: South Park
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, F/M, Friendship/Love, Humor, M/M, Parody, Request for couples, Satire, The Author Regrets Nothing, The usual South Park craziness, Work Contains Fandom Elements, literally all of the SP couples
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-09
Updated: 2016-05-27
Packaged: 2018-06-01 07:06:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6506458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanfictioniwrite/pseuds/fanfictioniwrite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The boys of South Park have a few words to say about the stories they've been written into. This calls for a parody! Request for couples.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Flashbacks Make it More Dramatic

**Author's Note:**

> Not Enough Parodies
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own South Park, if I did there would be even more satire and some slash.
> 
> Warning: Due to the heavy use of foul language, sarcasm, and overall silliness the story should not be taken seriously by anyone.

**Chapter 1: Flashbacks Make it More Dramatic**

**_  
_ **

Stan and Kyle were in Stan’s depressing room, filled with Heavy Metal posters and razors glued to the walls. Apparently the interior portrayed masterfully the teenager’s inner demons.

Kyle watched as it was raining outside. Not because it often rains in the show but because every heavy-emotional scene needs some rain.

“Are you sure we have to do this Stan?”  the nerdy redhead asked quietly, trying very hard not to look at the now shirt _less_ super-best-friend of his.

“Yeap, seems so. After all we do have to meet the needs of fans otherwise we don’t get enough reviews.”

Kyle looked at the brunette only to meet his sex-filled eyes. Stan was taking off his trousers, revealing his smooth, creamy skin.

The Jewish teen didn’t like what was coming next. To be honest he hardly ever liked anything that happened in fanfiction.

“Remember how all of this started?” he asked, voice full of equal parts nostalgia and horror. 

Stan had a pensive look on his face, recalling the events which call for a flashback.

“Yeap, it was all thank to Mr. Garrison. And then Cartman. It always is, isn’t it?

 

**_ FLASHBACK _ **

**_ (Cause flashbacks are cool and are always written in Italics) _ **

****

_“Ok, so today children instead of talking about real literature we are going to talk about fan fiction. Because you know why should you read the timeless classics if you can just read about your favourite characters boning?” - Mr. / Ms Garrison grinned at his now seventeen-year old students._

_The teacher was in one of his woman stages again and if you asked him why was he in such a foul mood he would admit that it was that time of the month.._

_“Oh, man I don’t wanna read any stupid fanfiction!”  Cartman cried out loud while pouring a bag of Cheesy Poofs into his mouth._

_For the purpose of this story Cartman was still a fat dummy, he was still loud and annoying, Nazi as always and not-falling for his mortal enemy Kahl. Not yet._

_“Shut up , Eric or I’ll make you read all those stories where you make sweet, sweet love with Kyle.”_

_“AYE ! I do not do that !” Cartman shouted in defense, his expression the epitome of shock and anger._

_“Oh, well you can always end up marrying Butters .” the adult mused, pushing up his glasses and looking at the feminine boy at the front desk._

_“Me ! Oh, no! My parents won’t like that part…” the said Butters cried, waving his hands fiercely in panic._

_“Your parents are already abusing you in most fan fics , Butters, just like Kyle’s parents abuse him, oh and Kenny’s and uh…Craig’s…Tweek’s. That’s because according to the teenagers who write these stories parents are some evil monsters who destroy your life,.”_

_“Geh, how lucky we are to be in those stories then…” Butters mumbled._

_“Butters, you are not allowed to be a sarcastic character.”_

_“Excuse me, teacher, but why the hell are we doing this ?” Kyle asked from the first desk desperately trying to stop what seemed like would be another waste of time both for the author and for the ones reading the story._

_“Because :_

  1. _a) this is South Park so we get to do meaningless shit all the time (part of the show’s charm really) and_
  2. _b) the writer of this story can’t go to sleep and has nothing better to do than this.”_



_“Um, isn’t this kind of stuff supposed to be in the **author’s note**? Not in the middle of the story?” –Red chipped in because fanfiction was one of her guilty pleasures and she had a thing for reading some Thor-Loki brotherly bonding. Although the things the Thor did to the mage weren’t always all that brotherly._

_“Oh, but…”_

_“No, buts Kyle, instead of complaining just shut up and fuck Stan already.”_

_“WHAT !?!” both of the boys, not to mention Wendy and cried in one voice._

_“Well, in like 90% of the stories you end up humping each other after like 10 chapters of really boring emo crap, so I say, why not just skip that part.”_

_“And what do we minor characters do?” asked Wendy, trying not to think about her two best friend becoming a lot more than friends which was the fantasy of apparently every fangirl of every fandom out there._

_“Oh, well let me see… You Wendy are mostly portrayed as a femi-nazi evil witch who stands in the way of Kyle and Stan’s undying love.”_

_“Craig here often times rapes Kyle, so that Cartman can then save him.  Or he just falls for Tweek’s anxiety. Because you know, teenagers love glamorizing mental illness.”_

_“OH THAT PRESSURE.” called out the small blond boy in horror._

_“I am so not fucking that! Do you hear that, Matt and Trey!? I hope next season there is no more Creek madness” Tucker grumbled as he flipped off his supposed boyfriend._

_“So, basically all of the stories revolve around how Kyle hooks up with somebody ?”_

_“Yes, that is correct Token. You yourself don’t even have a part in most fanfics. Except that you or Clyde always organize some kick-ass party where Stan and Kyle get drunk and later hook up. Oh, and Wendy and Bebe too. Sometimes you and Token also get to know each other…how do I put this intimately. “_

_The whole class fell into a tense silence, trying very hard not to picture what their teacher had just said. It was difficult, having in mind they were a bunch of hormonal teenagers but in the end the want for sanity won._

_“What do I do…I mean despite fucking Kyle?”  Stan asked at least, unable to quell down his curiosity. Perhaps he wasn't all that straight, or maybe that was just the author projecting.  
_

_“It is really funny that you have a bigger role in the fanfics than in the show, Stan. In some fics you are a brainless jock but mostly you are this bitchy emo kid who cuts himself…because of Kyle of course.”_

_“But this makes no sense!” the noirette complained.  
_

_“Mmm, not according to the hoards of Style lovers.”_

_“No, no wait a second I still don’t get why would I ever save Kyle?! I’ve never done that!” Cartman cried out, finally being able to process Garrison’s words from half a page ago._

_“Well, Eric..uh…this one time you actually did…”_

_“Shut up, Butters! I swear I fucking hate this fanfiction thing and I’m just starting to hear about it!” the heavy teen ranted, casting a furious glance to anyone who dared look in his direction._

_“Oh, at least you guys aren’t dead all the time! All I ever do is leave you some crazy letter in which I say total bullshit and somehow predict the fact that you’ll end up fucking each other. It’s like I always know whether it’ll be a Style or a Kyman before it has even happened. If you don’t remember I am freaking immortal not a psych!” Kenny finally snapped trying to be that angsty character that always story could appear “deeper”._

_(His speech wasn’t muffled because the author simply forgot or was just too lazy to give us an explanation why.)_

_“Actually Kenny, Stan and Kyle die in a lot fics too._

_Most of the time they cut their wrists (because of each other ) but there are occasional car crashes and drownings in Stark Pond. Later the other one realizes how much he has loved his best friend and that he has always wanted for them to be butt pirates so he kills himself too while the author writes some profound lyrics by Ed Sheeran and everyone cries.”_

_“But what is the fucking point in killing all the main characters!?!”_

_“Go ask G.R.R.Martin, Wendy. Oh, and stop being such a manipulative bitch and let Stan free to fuck Kyle. Or Craig. Or Kenny. Or Cartman.. Or whoever those crazy fan girls want him to. It’s obviously not you. Now for homework…”_

_“But we never have homework”  Eric whined._

_“Well in fanfics you have because that way you do your homework in pairs…and then end up doing each other.”  Garisson wiggled his eyebrows like the epitome of the ultimate creep, only to make the whole scene even more disturbing than it already was for the teenagers._

_“Ew, gross!” they cried out in one voice._

_“Now, now, we all have to do what fans want, otherwise we won’t get enough feedback and we don’t want that to happen. For HW you have to read a South Park Fanfic rated at least T. And the genre of course is Romance/Angst.”_

_“Ohhhhh”  the whole class wanted to protest but…_

But the author was too lazy to finish this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note (Although no one reads them really)  
> Hey, guys, hope you liked the first chapter!  
> Don’t take the story seriously, it’s not meant to be offensive or anything, just thought I could make some fun of how silly we fangirls can be. I myself am a huge fan of South Park and I do write slash…so, yeah no hard feelings!  
> What do you think of the boys finding out fanfiction (about themselves no less!) for the first time?  
> If you have any ideas about what I could parody, don’t shy away and share them!  
> Please review and tell me what you think! Have a nice day!


	2. Cartman: Best Plan Ever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Due to heavy use of foul language, sarcasm, and overall silliness the story should not be taken seriously by anyone.

**Cartman: Best Plan Ever**

**Yeah this is another flashback…or something but I’ve got really tired of the Italics, so yeah.**

Stan and Kyle were in Stan’s dark room, full of posters of Some Depressing Teen Band of and razors glued on the walls yet again. (we have to repeat the description from the previous chapter or we won’t amount to the imaginary word count criterion).

 There were also pictures of a certain red hair Jew… of a _naked_ red hair Jew scattered across Stan’s desk.

“Dude, I do not listen to Some Depressing Teen Band !” – Stan whined, annoyed at the music palette the fangirls had chosen for him.

“Stan, just shut up! Your music taste is the least of our problems right now, trust me!” - Kyle grunted while reading about the passionate, yet gentle love between him and his best friend on fan sites.

“Fine, fine! What should we read anyway?” – the noirette intrigued.

“Well, it is supposed to be a story about the two of us…it is supposed to be a Style unfortunately.”

“Oh, unfortunately!?! What do you mean unfortunately!?!

Would you rather be Cartman’s partner and read about your love - hate relationship or as it is referred to - your Kyman.” – Stan snapped, all of a sudden feeling emotional and vulnerable. Perhaps he was slowly turning into the fanfic-version of himself and the prospect of that scared the hell out of him.

“Or maybe you want that French dude to fuck you in Paris while you are the hacker in his team…which is clearly a Leverage reference that no one gets really.

Perhaps  you want some K2 action where Kenny dies yet again and you go all emo…what else? Cryle – yeah, good luck with Tweak trying to kill you! Is that what you want?”- Stan cried out, giving an outlet to all of his newfound emotions. There were already tears in his eyes.

“No, of course not!” – Kyle interrupted Stan’s dramatic speech, desperate to cheer up his best friend because as we all know being emo is rather dangerous in the fanfiction world.

“But wait…do you actually like the idea of Style!?!” –Kyle gasped all of a sudden, afraid that maybe this story would magically turn into yet another slash story within the next few paragraphs.

“Nooo! How can you even think of that?” – Stan murmured, while trying his best to avoid accidentally cutting himself on some of the many razors the author had deliberately scattered all over the room.

“Dude, we both now what the fan girls want – all of a sudden you will realize you have feelings for me –“

“That I’ve somehow always have had them.”  - Marsh corrected, Kyle nodded.

“And so will I… then we will have amazing sex in the middle of chapter no matter what else might be happening and snuggle saying as cliché as possible “I love you” under the sound of some pop song.”

“It’s _always_ a Style in the end.” – the teen summarized, pushing up his hipster glasses.

Yes, he even had to be a hipster in but he wasn’t complaining because at least he wasn’t sent back to time during WW2…for now. The fangirls were still busy constructing the time machine, looking for instruction on e-how.

Stan sighed for he knew his super best friend and future boyfriend was right.

“Okay, okay. Let’s just start reading.”

“This fic is called “Brush My Tears” and is written by “UltraMegaStylefanxD”.

“ _As Stan was looking at his friend’s beautiful aqua green eyes. He realized he was all the noirette ever wants.”_ – the description read.

“Dude, this should be “has/had ever wanted”! Don’t these people at least _try_ to use proper English!?! Not to mention, aqua is supposed to mean blue, not green! Just get your tacky metaphors right!”

“And you wonder why you are a nerd in the stories…” – Stan teased.

“What did you just say?”

“Oh, nothing, nothing…”

“Just read this one and I will read “For the Love of Style” written by CrazyLoveBroflovskiFan2000 where I get magically pregnant from you and then our daughter is kidnapped by Cartman and Butters because I quote: “It’s Buttman, baby!”

* * *

 

**Meanwhile at Cartman’s house:**

(all of a sudden the author had the strong urge to send us in some completely different scene, thinking that a story transaction is the best thing to do when you don’t know what to do with your characters anymore.)

 **…However we are** still **in a flashback…**

“Kinney this assignment is so God-damn stupid! I am not reading a CartmanxKenny fic ever!” – Cartman whined in his high pitch voice while eating yet again Cheesy Poufs because the author couldn’t think of a better description.

“Oh, so you think I am enjoying this!?! In the story I am currently reading I am a prostitute and I fuck Stan for money who is in love with Kyle while I am in love with you and Butters is in love with me and…WTF!?! Why the hell is everybody gay in fanfics?”

“And why do I always have to be just so OC? When have I been so kind and loving? In my story I help the daywalker who is an emo hippie nerdy fag after he is raped yet again by no other than Craig because I quote “I find those lime green eyes enchanting.”

“Hey, I thought you were supposed to read a story about you and me!” – Kenny whined, already feeling a sudden urge to be insecure and emo. Perhaps the fanfiction-force was stronger than he had thought.

“Kenny you are such a fag!”

“Hey, watch your tongue, do you want the fans to think you’re not politically correct?”  - the blonde cried out, trying to hush his (for lack of a better term) best friend.

“But in canon I am not politically correct!” – Cartman fought back – “This is the whole point of my fucking character!”

“Well, yeah…but fan girls don’t _care_ about your character, Cartman! They just want you o see you with Kyle and…” – the teen offered him a playful smile – “isn’t that what you want to?”

“Of-fucking-course not!”

“You have a boner the size of the Eifel tower for him!” – Kenny taunted, eyes full of mirth.

“Kinney, you don’t even know what the Eifel tower is! It’s Ze Mole’s job to make faggy references to France.”

“Uh, didn’t Christophe die or something in that movie you know that whole revolution and stuff…”

“Well, Pip died too but for the sake of Dip fangirls bring him from the dead…”

“I guess you are not immune to Slash even when you are dead.” – Kenny murmured, all of a sudden making deep a conclusion because after all this story needs more dramatic moments.

“Now just find some stupid ass story where you butt fuck me so we I can go whore myself out on the streets as I always do in fanfics, fatass.”

 “Ay! You are forgetting that in all those fanfic stories I am skinny because everybody seems to hate fat people for whatever reason.”

“Ugh, not in this one, fatso.”

“Hey, check this out: Kyle and Stan are both suicidal because of each other but don’t know, Butters is a cross-dresser and Wendy and Bebe do it all the time!. “ – Cartman tried changing the subject since suddenly he was quite sensitive and insecure about his appearance just like everybody here in the fandom.

“Coming to think of it this fanfic world isn’t so bad.” – Kenny said, immediately switching from angsty to pervert mode – the only two modes he had really.

“Pervert.”

“Pervert is my middle name. But anyway can’t those teenage girls and old dudes who write the stories keep us in character for like at least once?”

Cartman didn’t listen to his supposed friend and he had the “I am thinking of an evil plan” kind of face. If we were in a movie, you’d be hearing ominous music right now.

“It’s like what we do on the show isn’t crazy enough so they have to make us do even crazier things like going around all becoming gay all of sudden and fucking each other like bunnies.” – Kenny went on ranting because he had forgotten it was Stan’s job to be a whiny little bitch.

“I got it! I know how to stop making people writing all this slash bullshit.’ – Cartman cried all of a sudden, a metaphorical light bulb being switched on in his brain.

“What do you mean, fatass?” – the blonde intrigued, cautiously raising an eyebrow. He didn’t like the sound of this. Not one bit.

“I have a plan.”

“Oh, no! Oh, no you don’t! Whenever you say you have a plan we always end up on some crazy adventure, I get killed, Stan get’s all whiny and in the end Kyle gives some cheesy “I’ve learnt something today speech. It’s gotten old!”

“Kinney, you pretty much summed up all seasons of this show and gave spoilers for the remaining ones.”

“So did I talk you out of the idea?”

“Of course not.”

Kenny sighed and asked fatass what his idea was (even though he didn’t care since he was probably just about to get killed in some totally cliché way by the author .).

“We’ll just do slash here – I mean for real! Because whatever we real characters do – the fans dislike! So the only way for us to make them hate slash is to do slash on the show!”

“Ugh, dude I don’t think this is such a good idea…”

“Shut up, Kinney, this is the best plan EVER!”

Cartman pushed off Kenny from the chair and the blonde accidentally fell from the window.

“We’re getting out of fresh ideas for Kenny’s deaths…”

The psychotic teenager quickly typed:

_“To all South Park fans who are reading this instead of having a real life – we will do whatever you want – we will do_ whoever _you want! Just stop making us fuck each other all the time. Write your request for pairs below._

_P.S: And no, I am not doing this because I want to fuck Kahl._

_P.S 2 : Where did you get that idea from!?!_

_P.S 3: Stan, Kahl, Kinney if you’re reading this: I hate you guys!_

_Sincerely: The most awesome and sexy person on the planet, a.k.a : Eric Cartman._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do you think will our heroes survive or will they too, in the end, turn into their fanfiction versions, proving fangirls are about to take over the world?  
> Do what Cartman says! Do it now! I mean really – he has taken Kyle hostage and is putting a gun to his head, so you’d better write whatever you want me to parody or else you’ll have to kiss the Jew goodbye.  
> I am looking forward to your ideas for couples or some other clichés you are tired of.  
> Next time Bunny is going down.  
> Please leave a comment and have a nice day!


	3. Soul Mates in the Fandom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Due to the heavy use of foul language, sarcasm, and overall silliness the story should not be taken seriously by anyone.

**Soul Mates in the Fandom**

This story begins at Stark Pond – the place where most Romance/Angst stories take place. It is the perfect place for whining, confessing and drowning.

Another depressed teenager sat there thinking just as to how much his life sucked because let’s face it – that is the most often preoccupation of teenagers.

No, this time it wasn’t Kyle crying that his mother beats him, it wasn’t Stan or Cartman crying that Kyle doesn’t love him – it was Kenny. He was depressed just like all the characters are in fanfics though he didn’t know why exactly. But of course, for the sake of the story he was going to find out, preferably in a loong and angsty way.

Kenny would have drowned for dramatic effect but just then as it always happens his best friend a.k.a long-time-unrealized-yet crush and future husband came along. It was Butters and not Eric this time.

The blonde was dressed as always in a Hello Kitty outfit and had a big blue ribbon in his hair. No one knew he was gay.

“Loo-loo! Apples, apples…Oh, hey Kenny. Watcha doing pal?” Butters asked with a huge goofy grin plastered on his face, as weird as that is he still hadn’t become depressed.

“I am being emo.” Kenny murmured, fixing his bangs to one side to give himself an even more emo look.

“Why?”

“I don’t know the author decided so.”

“Well, gee I don’t know, buddy…” Butters sat down next to his best friend…

_Wait!_

When did they become best friends anyway on the show…ugh, never mind. Just another huge gap in the story…oh, well readers probably won’t even notice that with all the slash going on…

“Kenny, not that I want to hurt your feelings but aren’t you supposed to be uh… you know…being with certain ladies and gentlemen in a…” – Butters intrigued, blushing as if he had some rouge on his cheeks…or maybe he did have rouge for that matter.

“You mean I should be whoring myself on the streets in order to get money for drugs?”

“Yeah, that’s exactly what I mean.”

“No, this isn’t such a story…probably the only one that isn’t.” Kenny added with a grim face.

“Well, shouldn’t you be off getting Kyle and Stan together then?”

“Ugh, can’t they do it on their own!?! It’s not that hard anyway…after all these crazy stories always end with a Style in the end.”  the poor teen snapped.

 “Well…that pretty much sums up your entire job in these fanfics. I mean you don’t have much of a part in slash fics…Oh, Oh I got it! Maybe you are emo because you are in love with both Stan and Kyle but they are already together and you are screwed but the author and fan girls don’t care because you aren’t a favourite character.”

Then McCormick started crying overdramatically because _every_ eighteen-year-old boy cries for no reason at all in front of another boy.

Nah, it’s not weird at all.

Since the story was getting more and more angsty, I guess it was time for the two boys to become a couple…

 “This is exactly why I am emo, Butters! It’s like everybody has their fanfic soul mate.

 Stan and Kyle and- and Craig and Tweek and even Clyde and Token but not me… No one is left for me! Even Damien is with the Brit!”

“Well, Kenny your job is to pretty much sleep with whoever has just broken up with their boyfriend or wants to make them jealous or isn’t sure about their sexuality.

Like for example you sleep with Damien all the time. Oh, and there is Kyle whom you get pregnant quite often so Stan could get jealous…”

“I know, I know…but I want something more, Butters…I-I need LOVE!” the teenager gasped, tears streaming down his pale cheeks.

“Then don’t worry, pal cause the crazy fan girls know the solution to all your and my problems!”

“Really?” Kenny sniffled and blew his nose into the orange parka.

 “Yeah, really! They have created a Bunny!” Butters said in a happy and enthusiastic voice.

Well, even though his parents beat him, everybody hates him at school and he is one of the characters with the most reasons to complain he isn’t allowed to be an emo character.

Stan and Kyle do it much better after years of training of fan girls writing them into cutters.

“And of what help exactly will be a baby rabbit to this pointless story?” the poor boy said confused, still crying and clinging to Butters’s sky blue sweater with Hello Kitty smiling to him.

“No, no it’s not a real rabbit, pal! It’s just you and me together…like a couple.” Stotch blushed yet again while saying this because all boys in fanfics blush cutely all the time. Maybe it turns on some girls, I don’t know…

“You and me?!? But-but why? I mean Stan and Kyle – sure I understand they are super best friends and act gay on the show all the time…Kyle and Cartman – I understand that too since they are obsessed with each other and Craig and Tweek…well, ugh coming to think of it…”

 _“Kenny McCormick you don’t think you are a stupid whore_!” ran the author’s stern voice and Kenny sighed, realizing in fanfics it wasn’t about what the characters were like, or about logic or plot, it was about fangirls seeing hot boys together.

“I wonder how fan girls got the idea of Bunny too…I mean it’s not like we are even friends on the show.” Butters said shyly, "But it’s just that…I mean how can you not love a Bunny? They are all fluffy and nice and…”

“So what - we are supposed to become a couple just because are names combined together sound cute?” McCormick cried out, pissed off but just how ridiculous this whole fanfic had become.

“Yeah, exactly. Oh, and we are both blond which I guess makes us a good couple together.”

“But this makes no fucking sense.”

“I know, but why not give it a try I mean with don’t have anything better to do anyway. Unless you won’t to go be with Eric who…”

“The crazy fan girls will probably write him off with Wendy.” Kenny interrupted,“Their relationship doesn’t make any sense either but Candy sounds sweet. Literally.”

“Yeah, who doesn’t like candies and bunnies?”

A light bulb went through the blonde's head.

“Butters! I just understood that I am gay and I am madly in love with you!”

“Really?” the other  asked uncertainly.

“No, but the plot has to go on.”

“Oh, well…then” Butters struggled to think of what to say or do but then the author gave him perfect instructions, “ _Then I love you too_!”

“That’s great now come and let’s make out and then I’ll fuck your tight virgin ass.”

Then the blonde pushed Butters roughly almost throwing him in the icy cold water of the pond and crushed his lips roughly yet somehow gently (?!?)  against the other boy’s ones.

In only a few minutes they were taking off their clothes, fangirls already having nosebleed and forgetting the tremendous inaccuracies in the stories such as how could Kenny and Butters possibly have sex near a pond in the fucking snow? In the middle of the fucking winter…okay, okay I get it, no one cares.

However much to our distress the sex scene was interrupted because of a burst of flames and out of the flames came out a boy in clad in black attire. That obviously meant trouble.

“Damien…what the fuck are you doing here?” Kenny stuttered, managing to pull his boxers mere seconds before the fan girls could see to much.

He was kinda cold because after all it was in the middle of the fucking January in South Park.

“Oh, well since I know you from hell I decided I could come here and have sex with you.” Damien said casually while looking at his black nail polish. It was the most natural and logical thing to say in the world, really.

“Wha-at? Why?” the poor teenager asked, being totally dumbfound when it came to the fan girls’ logic.

“In this way I will make sure I am gay and then I’ll have a better sex technique for the DIP stories.”

“And what if I say I want to be loyal and faithful to Butters?”

“Well, you can’t. You see Kenny in all fanfics you are whore who has sex with practically everybody and you are a drug dealer. It’s not your choice really. Plus if you don’t have sex with me I’ll just put you on fire thanks to my super cool demonic powers that authors often forget about.”

“But…”

“It’s okay Kenny, I am perfectly fine with you cheating on me with who ever the author decides.” Butters said cheerfully.

“Well then…”

And just as we were about to see a very hot scene between two moral lacking characters, Cartman – the third moral lacking one appeared out of thin air on the stage of the fanfic.

“Kenny! Kenny! Dude I have to fuck you!” the fat one said panting.

Damn it ! Why couldn’t he become all skinny overnight just like in all the other fanfics?

“Why the hell fatass?!?” Kenny asked even thought he actually did not want to know anything about Cartman’s psycho reasons.

“Well, you’re my best friend and all best friends fuck each other in fanfics so why not us too? Plus I think I am gay for Kyle and I have to make sure by sleeping with you. Oh, and I still haven’t fucked Wendy – that happens in later chapters. Gah, don’t you ever read the fucking script, ghetto boy?!?”

“Once again this makes no fucking sense!” the blonde cried out while pulling his hair in exasperation. It was only the third chapter of this fanfic and he already wanted to kill himself. Not that it would be very useful though…

“Well, it does actually. Kenny we are the characters who everybody sleeps with whenever they have some sort of problems and whenever the plot is getting boring.” a girl’s voice came out of nowhere.

Wow, a girl in a South Park fanfic? Is this for real… Oh, she must be lesbian then.

“Where the hell did you Babe come from?”

“Well, I want a part of this stories too! I mean besides being a total bitch!” – the girl snapped. She was pissed off at all the writers who ignore her and the other girls all the time. Where did all that girl-power, “go feminism”, go all of a sudden?

“Yeah, we girls want some action too! All we ever do in these stories is be some crazy bitches who dump you!” – Wendy shouted, being the hysterical bitch lunatic she always is in fanfics. Yeah, she had magically appeared on the scene too and the author didn’t really care to explain us why.

But the more the merrier, right?

Although Sheldon Cooper disagrees on that but this is a South Park and not a The Big Bang Theory fic and people shouldn’t write random stuff about their favourite shows all the time without connection to the plot…if there is a plot, that is. _._

“Well, then just fuck each other!” Cartman grunted in anger, the author remembering she has to keep up with the story and not just rant all the time.

Bebe opened her mouth in surprise and then closed it, like a fish out of water (we need metaphors, right?).

“Yeah, how come we have never thought of this Wends?”

“Well, fan girls prefer the “hot-boys-fuck” stories than the “hot-girls-fuck” kinda stories.”

“Let’s change their opinion then!” Babe cried out realizing just like everybody else in this fandom that she is gay and madly in love with her best friend.

“Oh, no! Let me get my camera first!” the racist boy shouted and started running in the direction of his home.

We were just about to get a happy *sex scene* ending but just then Cartman was replaced by an angry Kyle appearing on stage.

“What do you want? Oh, oh let me guess – you want to fuck me? Or perhaps you want me to get you drugged because you are having problems with Stan?” – the whore of the South Park fandom a.k.a Kenny McCormick grunted, getting more and more annoyed with fan girls.

“Yeah, that and you got me pregnant, Kenny! Again!” Kyle cried out, hormones affecting his mood.

“Pregnant!?! Dude, for the last time this is impossible!”

“Why can’t I get Pip pregnant and have a little baby with horns!" Damien (who the author seemed to have forgotten) complained while kicking the snow and then melting it with his badass “evil powers”.

“Well it is possible! And it happens all the time according to the K2, Kyman, Style lovers…and pretty much any other fandom in the world. Why do I always have to be the one pregnant anyway!?!”

“Okay, okay we will discuss this in another chapter! Now please let me just fuck Damien so we get over with this one!”

Stan showed out of nowhere crying and blood covering his hands.

This was his trademark appearance into a story.

“Wendy…wendyyy! Why did you dump me!?!” he cried being pathetic as always.

He soon found out though why she had dumped him as he watched her doing it with her best friend.

Oh, how cliché…

“I thought we were the only best friends who become something more.” Butters sobbed, feeling like the cliché he was turned into.

“For the last time Butters! We are not even best friends”

“Stan! Stan! What have you done!?!” Kyle sobbed, rushing to help his best friend.

“What does it look like? I am making a dramatic appearance! Why not have a part in fanfiction…even if it means cutting myself…and later on fucking you?”

“Well, Stan, please stop cutting yourself and fuck me! Forget that Wendy bitch!”

_( I believe this exact sentence sums up 99% of the Style stories )_

“Yeah, fuck Wendy!” Stan said in an angry, yet passionate voice, because he was more than ready to explore his just-found sexuality.

“Let’s make out and have butt sex!” Kyle chanted, singing the slash anthem.

“Here in front of everyone? Isn’t it too soon? Isn’t it too cold?”

“Nah…” fan girls all over the world said at the same time.

“But what about the baby Kyle?” Butters asked, ruining everything.

“Gah, isn’t this chapter ever going to end!?!” Kenny grunted.

“What baby!?!” Stan cried, realizing this would be yet another reason for him to cut himself.

“Kyle thinks I got him pregnant.” the blonde said, feeling a lot more emo than at the beginning of the chapter.

“Oh, no coming to think of it I think maybe it was Christophe this time.” the redhead pondered, trying to recall whom had magically impregnated him.

“You fucked that French whore too?!?”

“Well, yeah, Style is kinda boring…so I guess I have to fuck other people from time to time in order for more reviews, ya know.”

“No, I don’t know, Kyle! Now I will have to do some more cutting…probably will cut in your name on my wrist.”

“Dude, this is too cliché even for a fanfic!”

“Well, yeah but those crazy fan girls always write about such things… Plus you are fucking pregnant how is that even possible!?!”

“For the last time it isn’t !!!”

“I know it isn’t! But the plot has to go on doesn’t it, you fucking moron!” Kyle exploded, forgetting about his gentle, needy temper in the fandom.

“So Kyle is not pregnant?” the fandom dumb version of Stan said with the strong hope that he wouldn’t have to torment his wrists even more.

“Hey, guys what did I miss?” Cartman appears once again, camera in his hands so he could record the two hot girls, going at it.

“Oh, hi, Eric. Well, geh – let me see… Wendy and Babe are having some…pretty close time as you can see, Stan was dumped by Wendy and now he is cutting himself…oh, and Kyle is kinda pregnant…”

“Pregnant !?! Oh, Kahl, you better fucking hope mah child isn’t going to be ah fucking ginger! Oh, and he is definitely NOT going to be a Jew!”

“Wait, you slept with Cartman too!?!”

“Ugh…well…what can I say I am just one dirty little whore according to fanfics.”

“You sure as hell are a Jewish whore…but you are my little Jewish whore.” the fat teen added with a creepy smile all over his face.

“Hey, you are hitting on my boyfriend!”

“Am not, you emo hippie shit!’

“Cartman are you filming me and Babe!?!” Wendy managed to say in between moans.

“Shut up hippie bitch!”

“Oh, brother…not again! Not again!” Kenny murmured while he made his way towards Stark Pond.

“Kenny what are you doing, pal? Oh, but Kenny you know what happens when somebody gets near Starks Pond in fanfics!” Butters started explaining but it was too late.

“Oh, my God you killed Kenny!”

“You, bastards!” Stan and Kyle yelled at the authors of all those crazy stories.

Like I said Starks Pond – the perfect place for whining, confessing and drowning. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Share your thoughts, ideas about what should be parodied! Leave a review and tell me what you thought of this chapter!


	4. Enter Mary Sue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Due to the heavy use of foul language, sarcasm, and overall silliness the story should not be taken seriously by anyone.

**Chapter 4: Enter Mary Sue  
**

Hi, my name is Lindsy Midsy and I am just another OC girl that teenagers are trying to relate to. I may not be the best role model, but who is anyways?

Today instead of being a wizard in the Harry Potter world or the newest star in the Glee club I am here, guest-staring in South Park to be in love with all the boys. Nothing out of the usual Mary Sue kind of life, really.

First thing is first, let me tell you about my…looks because of course this is of utmost importance to the plot.

I have pink-purple-red-blue hair and I wear t-shirts with Sponge Bob on them and I have a diary just like every other OC girl. And I wear my eyeliner _thick_ and _winged_. And yes, this speaks _a lot_ about my persona.

Oh and I am Butters' cousin. One of his MANY Russian cousins. Apparently the fandom community located predominantly in Western Europe and America can't think of any "exotic" country other than Russia.

But then again they don't know a lot about Russia, so I just speak "American" and nothing about me is Russian.

I look at mirror and like every other teen girl dislike what I see. A tear rolls down my pale cheek which portrays my inner emotional turmoil.

(Because of course I'm white and pale, there are no people of colour in the fandom for whatever reason)

I have long pink hair as already mentioned, sky blue eyes _like the sky_. I am currently wearing the craziest and most edgy clothes the author could think of:  
A pink T-shirt with a Sponge Bob on it ( _which gently reveals my purple bra because I am a feminist and anti-slut shaming),_ red shorts because apparently the freezing weather doesn't affect OC girls through the laws of meteorology in the fandom and orange rubber boots.

As you can tell, fashion is almost as important to me as **_love_** **.**

After the author has given you this extremely important half-a-page-long description of my clothes that has nothing to do with the story I think I'll just share something with my best friend, a.k.a my DIARY. For writing in your diary is one of the main hobbits of every teenager nowadays.

Here we go.

_"_ _Dear diary Number 3. I am sad._

_Well, no, not for something real but for the usual first world teeange drama all authors of OC find a must in their stories._

_Well, you see I am in love with four boys. Yeah, all of them. Oh, and Wendy too…but she is already with Babe._

(The Italics are getting kind of tiring…so yeah, no more of them)

First there is Stan. I love his midnight blue eyes and his hair, the colour of the velvety sky at night.

But it's not his God-like body I am after.

Stan is a poet but he is also the captain of the school football team. He is really stupid though unlike his best friend. – Kyle who is the embodiment of the modern hipster in the fandom.

Kyle is extremely smart and also cuts his veins because his mother abuses him as hobby and Craig and Cartman rape him all the time. Oh, and he gets pregnant. Like …A lot.

I also love him because he straightens his hair a lot which is very progressive, I think.

He has amethyst green eyes (though amethyst is green but you know…)

Then I love Kenny who is a free spirit, ready to succumb to the darkest desires of his body. But he also cuts himself because he is actually very deep and sensitive. And he is bi with my cousin Butters (who cuts himself too.)

(I just wonder why does everybody has an obsession to cut themselves in the SP fandom!?)…

But then again what do I know, having been part as a Mary Sue of every major fandom since the love for litarature and the love for hot boys porking each other had a baby and called it fanfiction.

Soo, you see my problem is with whom should I be? It's a really difficult choice having in mind just how awesome all the boys are.

I guess the only way a teenage girl can solve her problems is by cutting herself even if that sets a horrible and possibly dangerous example for the readers...

**BOOM!**

Stan appeared in the room with his sports outfit and a very angsty expression like any other stereotypical jock would do.

He had been cast to play a main role in this story by the fan girl writing.

"Bitch who the fuck are you!?" he demanded, feeling tired of the endless hoard of girls who were dropped of by the _Mary Sue Train Express_ every single day.

"Why Stan how can you not know! I am Butter's English cousin! Ugh…I mean Russian one…Or wait, was I an alien or an elf?"

**BOOM!**

"Ugh, no you're not! Butters doesn't have any English cousins!" Kyle who had just appeared on the scene pointed out in a flat voice.

The redhead had been taken from another story where he was just about to give birth to Craig's baby so he wasn't all that disappointed he had to be here.

"Yeah, what's up with all these crazy foreign cousins! I mean there are like ten people in my house who say they are my cousins. They all dress like the Mad heater and claim they're perfect!" Stan whined, giving his best friend a helpless look.

"In mine too! And what's even more weird they are all emo girls with crazy hair colours who cut themselves and have Sponge Bob related items! They are fucking nuts! I mean one of them the Russian emo hippie is dating Cartman at the moment…"

**BOOM!**

A rather fat boy appeared on stage with a pissed off expression, I am writing of no other than Eric Cartman of course.

"Not just one of them! There are like five who are dating me! And they are _all_ emo hippies! Oh, even your cousin Kyle Kyle is dating me! I fucking hate these stories! – Cartman cried out, screaming at the ceiling, which was supposed to be some deep and profound metaphore.

Till now he had been having steam anal sex with a wherewolf!Butters in some other story so it was completely normal to be a little tired .

"Um, guys what the fuck does this have to do with the plot of the story?" the random OC girl asked rather puzzled.

"We don't want anymore OC girlfriends!" Stan cried out because he was so fed up with such stories he had even thought about killing himself.

But then again it was of no use since the author would just send him to Hell where he would have to put up with the DIP stories and after sometime Kyle would join him and it would be all Style.

"Or boyfriends!" Kyle whined as he remembered how last night some crazy emo Russian dude was chasing him with a pack of condoms while screaming something about communism and mother Russia. (because obviously all Westerners believe this is how Eastern Europeans act like).

"We don't want any more random bitches!" the three boys chanted in one voice, feeling like a bunch of people on strike.

**BOOM!**

"Why can't we just have a one night-stand!" – Kenny whined. He was stoned as always in fan-stories but for some reason (maybe because the author hasn't been high themselves) he didn't act like being high at all.

"Guys it is perfectly normal for you to fight for me! I am so flattered! I will like totally write about this in my diary! I feel just like Elena from the Vampire Diaries!"

"Oh yeah "The Vampire Diaries is pretty good…" Cartman mused, just finding out about his profound love for cheesy supernatural TV series.

"No we are not fighting _for_ you! We are fighting against you!" – Kyle screamed, having the strong urge to forget how nice and cuddling he was in fanfics and kill all the OC bitches with a fucking bazooka or something.

Stan face-palmed. He did that a lot on South Park, but even more son in fafiction.

"Don't you fucking get it?! We are fucking tired of all these OC stories where we end up loving Mary Sues! There is absolulely ZERO originality, you all look and act the same and there is zerotalent in these stories! Out of the fandom!"

"It's the same story, multiplied a million times throughout all time and space - everywhere in all fandoms!"

"We should go on a strike!" Stan suggested with a thoughtful expression.

"Stan, stop with your whole hippie bitchy activism!"

"No, the idea is great fatass"

"Oh, well since you say so Kyle, I must agree because I love you so much…"

Wait! Where the fuck did that come from?! How come all of a sudden Cartman is head over heals with Kyle? Don't they hate each other? Oh, well…anything between anyone and everyone can happen in fanfiction.

And then suddenly Craig appeared in the room too wearing a T-shirt saying:

_"_ _No More OC Emo Bitches!"_ and a middle finger underneath.

"Dude I want your T-shirt so fucking much!" Stan gasped, feeling like a fashionista all of a sudden.

"Take it easy Stan! This is not a Staig story. For now. Anyway I just hopped by for my daily "Kyle – raping session". And then my daily "Kenny fucking session – Tweek – cheating on" should follow." the noirette mused in a calm manner, voice as monotone as always.

He wasn't allowing this whole nonsense to affect his zen attitude.

After all, even Matt and Trey had the audacity to almost-but-not-really-but-then-again-maybe make him gay with Tweek on the show itself. So of course the fangirls would come with something like this!

But he knew, even he had a breaking point and if he read one more story about killing himself, the point of no return would be crossed.

"Oh, yeah Craig we'll do that in a moment, just let me finish this."

"What do you mean, Kyle!? Today is the day for our _fifth thousand-th sleepover confession_!" Stan snapped, feeling rejected and confused.

"Ugh, guys aren't you forgetting something?! This OC story is centered around me, not you and your crazy one stands, rapes, male pregnancies or whatever!" – the main OC stomped her feet, being pretty annoyed by how she was ignored since that was clearly not in her "OC girl" job description.

_"_ _Hey, I should totally write a chapter about the OC girl job description" the author of this story wrote, forgetting of course that author notes in the middle of the story are not a good idea._

"That reminds me – Stan you got me pregnant again!" Kenny mused while casually looking through a Playboy full of OC girls which sadly weren't Playboy material at all.

"Oh, no not again Kenny! It has been two months since you gave birth to the last one! Not to mention Wendy is pregnant too at the moment."

"Don't worry – I am the father this time." Kyle and Cartman said in one voice.

"Oh, that's fine – of course I am perfectly fine with my best friend fucking my girlfriend. Why shouldn't I be!? I mean it's not like I am forced to do crazy shit all the fucking time such as fucking my best friend while he is cheating on me with the French bastard or fatass. Getting people or myself pregnant, cutting myself and dating people I don't even know who happen to be Butters' or Craig's cousins."

"And the worst thing is that even if you go to a party to chill out you end up having sex with the most inappropriate person and take drugs which have no effect." Kenny whined being an expert at going to Token's parties.

And yeah, Token was the only person to host parties in the fanfiction aspect of South Park.

After much ranting that had nothing to do with the plot, the boys remembered that in the end of day someone had to fuck the newest member of the OC club.

"Oh, I got it : we will just make a contest about who of us is the most emo one and the one who is the least emo will have to sleep with...what was it?" – Kyle began, thinking of the best ideas as always.

"Lidsy Titsy." the girl said with annoyance. She hated it when others were forgetting her name. After all it was _such_ a traditional Russian name.

"Titsy? Really?"

On the stage appeared Butters too. The author couldn't think of a reason why.

She just knew there were many Butters fans out there and she wanted more reviews to boost her confidence.

"Yeah, I guess Butters who is my cousin had to join the story too. Oh, and I love him by the way…even thought our love is impossible." the Mary Sure proclaimed, voice filled with as much passion as that of actress in a third wave Indian soap opera.

"This stories are just-" Kyle began saying but Carman interrupted him.

"So fucked up."

"So what we finish each other sentences now too? What's up with all that fluffy Kyman?!" Kyle grunted.

"Oh, hamburgers."  Butters murmured. Sometimes he just wished he wasn't involved in all the stories. His own books were a lot better.  
The Emo Contest was about to begin…

**And then BOOM – Cliffhanger !**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope that you enjoyed this chapter!  
> Any feedback will be appreciated and if you have any ideas about what should be parodied - feel free to share in the comments!  
> Till next time!


	5. OC Emo Contest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Due to the heavy use of foul language, sarcasm, and overall silliness the story, it should not be taken seriously by anyone.

**_Chapter 5: OC Emo Contest_ **

In order for the "Emo 20xx Contest" to begin a special song by **Some Depressing Teen Band** is brought to you:

_So deep a sorrow…_

_Sky why are you crying?_

_Cuts rimmed red…_

Oh, wait this doesn't even rhyme…never mind

_Fuck you, you don't understand my wallow!_

_Do you see my tears, reader?_

_So deep a sorrow…_

_Oh, I am so emo-w…_

Now that the author has brought to you these extremely profound lyrics which have nothing to do with the story and are here just to set a more sensational atmosphere, we can begin with the actual content of the chapter.

* * *

Butters was the first participant in the not so prestigious contest. He was wearing a special goth costume borrowed from Stan for the event.

"Well, ugh – gee! I don't know what to start with – there are soo many things to complain about in these stories. I have to be depressed just like now all the time, I get raped a lot and Cartman treats me like sh-…I mean like a slave. Like gee, it's not enough that he manipulates me on the show but then again he has to rape me and stuff in the fandom too."

"Okay, enough complaining blondie, it's my turn. Well, first of all everybody knows that mah body is fucking sweet and sexy but in the fa-" Cartman cut in, pushing Butters off the stage.

"Fatass you know you're fat and ugly so-" Kyle jabbed in, glaring at his mortal enemy-soon-to-be-turned-lover.

"Kahl, aren't you supposed to be all nerdy and nice in the fandom? Cause you know chicks dig Beta dudes?"

"Don't get me started dude!" the redhead grunted, exasperated at his portrayal in the stories.

"So like I was saying these crazy hippie fangirl bitches write me off as some damn fat emo kid. I am either way too fucking nice, saving Kahl from being raped or just some background character who pisses off everybody else...

I don't get even the smallest part in those Creek, Style, K2, Stenny or whatever stories. Even if I do, it is simply to be described as some sort of psycho monster. Not to mention those CartmanxKenny or Cutters (where we are both cutters) stories." the overweight (or "curvy" as he'd argue) teen rambled on, ignoring the fact that no one was really listening.

"When do I get my turn?" Kenny whined, his voice wasn't muffled for whatever reason. Probably the author was to lazy to make it so.

" Shut up Kennie and make me finish, damn it!" Cartman snapped, sendign an evil (but at the same time sexually frustrated) glare at his best friend.

"I never get a happy ending – I end up either heartbroken because Wendy ditches me for Stan or because Kahl ditches me for Stan or in general somebody ditches me (probably for Stan), I kill myself, or end up in jail after trying to kill someone in order to get to Kahl." - the teen whined, a few rebellious tears escaping his big brown eyes.

"The closest I ever get to a happy ending is to just fly off to New York with the Jew where he makes me Jewish pie and I get him pregnant."

"Not _my_ idea of a happy ending!" Kyle cried out while waving hands as warning to all the authors searching for ideas.

Now the author decides to randomly tell us what the Jew is wearing. So he was wearing a green shirt, tight black skinny jeans which showed he had an enormous -

"No one cares what I am wearing! Haven't you heard of the Chekhov Rule? Never mention something in the story unless it will have importance later on?" he demanded, his green eyes filled with justified rage. Sometimes it felt as though the fangirls were even worse than Cartman.

"Anyway it was my turn to whine. Well, I am the most screwed of all this fics because I am the one who always gets raped, drugged, pregnant, ditched by Stan whenever it is one-sided Style after which I kill myself. Shit, what kind of example is that sending for the young kids reading this?"

 _"Fuck I never thought about that..."_ the author remarked to herself.

"Oh, and even if I don't kill myself I get written into those psycho World War Two stories where Cartman persecutes me with a whip while screaming something in German which the author has most probably mistranslated from Google."

"Hey, I kind of like those stories." Cartman pointed out, a dreamy expressing painted over his pudgy face. Kyle elbowed him not-so-gently in the ribs.

"Not to mention I get in love with every fucking body in this fandom. Like there more than 261 pages about me! And almost all the stories are needy teen romances. Also I am masochistic – my parents beat me up and for some crazy reason even though I am 18 I can't deal with it. I let Cartman beat me up, sexually harass me and I enjoy it. I am bullied at school too and-"

"You think you are the most screwed one!? Kenny shouted out of the blue, desperate to expressing all his pent up emotions.

_Last time it got him a lot of reviews…_

"Dude, don't forget that I am the one gets killed in every fucking story. As if the show was not enought! Oh, and I get my heart broken because Style is a must. I am beaten up at home too, I am everyone's sex toy and I sell drugs in my free time. Drugs which on top of everything don't fucking work!"

"Yeah, well most authors haven't tried drugs so no wonder they don't work." Craig jabbed in because this character has a lot of fans and fanservice has become a must for most creators nowadays.

"Like we go to these crazy Token parties and we take LSD, cocaine or whatever but we still act all fine and dandy! Kyle even writes his homework while on drugs, damn it!"

"Oh, yeah, the math equations start dancing and shit when I do that." Kyle mused, staring at his snickers in a very deep and profound manner.

"Not to mention I am pretty sure I can't get pregnant from Cartmnan! I might be an immortal but I am not a fucking woman! Like these mpreg stories don't even _try_ to explain it anymore, they act like its all normal" the blonde grunted, feeling himself drained from the sheer absurdity that this story is.

"Well, maybe I'm just that good - I can even get a man pregnant, Kinnie!" Cartman smirked only to have his smile rubbed off his face once a powerful kick from the poor teen landed on his head somehow.

"And worst of all I don't even get to complain! Like you get all those angsty stories about your imaginary issues while I am the one with real problems and all I get is non-working drugs and Butters to screw!"

_(Random A/N: I mean think about all the really good, meaningful stories people could write if they actually used canon information about Kenny and how he lives in a broken home, starving to death, dealing with abuse and raising his sister when he is a child himself. But, oh no, people are busy writing him get pregnant or be a random loose teen who lacks personality and just sleeps with everyone or writing parodies about the stories that do that and..._

_Oh, wait never mind. Author's notes in the middle of the story are stupid anyway)_

"Oh, yeah well I am the one who has to deal with Tweek's everyday psycho moments! I deserve winning this content and not having to fuck this damn Mary Sue!" Craig screamed off the top of his lungs, exasperated. Desperate to find an outlet to his emotions. An outlet that was _not_ Tweek's ass.

"Stop whining all of you!"

Another OC girl had appeared on stage.

"Dude who the fuck are you. !?" all of the boys cried out in unison, shock painted over their faces. Last thing they needed was yet another Mary Sue.

"If you are an OC girl why isn't your hair pink? I thought that was must" Stan asked being, just like everybody else, an expert on OC girls.

"And why are you wearing normal clothes? You should have orange boots and sponge Bob things… it is written in the OC girls contract!" – Lidsy Midsy or whatever-her-name-was pointed out, crossing her arms over her well-developed chest.

"I am the author of this story of course!"

"So what you can just write yourself into the story?"

"Why not? I mean people do it all the fucking time! Like half of the OC stories in reality are nothing but the author writing about themselves…with more colourful hair though."

"Laaame."

"So-uh do you want to date us or something?" Butters asked, his voice a mixture of weariness and fear.

Why did he always have to be the victim of those insane ladies…

"No! Of course not! I just want you to stop fucking whining! Like you have no idea what real life is like! Fanfiction is a piece of cake compared to it! For example there is some chance that the love of your life a.k.a your best friend will reject you!"

"Can't be that bad." Kyle mused while thinking about how he would have to fuck Stan in a couple of chapters because apperently everyone in the Universe believed that two characters couldn't be just friends anymore.

"You think? In real life you have exams to worry about, you can't go around fucking everybody, doing drugs, heavy drinking and then be an excellent student, Kyle."

"But they are magic, non-working drugs." Kenny explained in a tired voice.

"Yeah well, in real life drugs do have a bad effect on you, Kenny. Not to mention you don't get all skinny in one night, Cartman."

"Bitch you have no idea what it's like here! At least you don't have everyone shipping you with your enemies."

"Well, yeah but…"

"And you don't have to cut yourself all the fucking time for meaningless shit!"

"Um, true, Stan…"

"You don't have to fuck with people who you don't even like."

"Or get back into time. During World War Two where it's not fun _at all_! Especially if you're Jewish."

"Or gay." all the boys screamed in unison as bad memories from these WWII stories flooded their minds. Only Cartman seemed strangely fond of them.

"You don't have to have sex at the age of 12!" Butter complained, "With an endless stream of cousins that come in the form of foreign OCs!"

"Okay, okay life sucks in the fandom too."

"That's right bitch." Cartman grunted, seeing himself as the winner of the dispute.

"So, uh where does that leave us?" the author ot the story asked cautiously, glancing around the characters she'd screated. Well, she hadn't actually created them..more like borrowed them and then completely changed their personalities so they'd fit into her own narrative.

"How would we know?" the teens responded in union.

"Well, I don't know either." the author shrugged nonchantly.

"What do you mean you don't know you are the fucking author of this!"

"Well, I guess I can make some contest like most authors do about what we should do next…"

"I want a war against you fucking fan girls. I'm seriously guys I hate you even more than I hate hippies."

"Hey, maybe we could go to some of those crazy Token parties I mean they are daily or something…" Kenny mused, going back to the usual personality-lacking, cliche of a loose teen most fangirls had turned him into.

"Okay, I need more non-working drugs anyway."

"Hey, maybe I should try some too." the author said excitedly.

The entire group of teens facepalmed. This story would be a damn nightmare, they just knew it.

"Dude you wrote yourself into fan fiction I assume you have already taken some!" – Stan said and another absolutely pointless chapter ended.

Without a cliffhanger.

**Please review or else my cat won't love me anymore…or something.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for any grammatical errors, misused words and typos. English isn't my mother tongue but I'll try to keep the story at a decent level.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter and the contest! What did you think of the grand opening song? Or the lovely OC? And who do you think won the contest?   
> What should be parodied next?
> 
> Please review and share your thoughts in the comment section !


	6. The Crack Pairing Show

**The Crack Pairings Show**

_(Or how fangirls really chose the pairings they write about)_

Our beloved characters weren't sure where they were.

They were used to being in high school, most likely in the cafeteria which is the perfect place for a nice fight or a noisy break-up between Wendy and Stan which would undoubtedly lead to Style in the next few paragraphs.

Kyle was used to being written off to Poland in the early 1940s, along with Cartman wearing a leather Nazi outfit and a whip in his hand.

Ze Mole and Gregory were used to being sent all around the world on some crazy missions where they would find their eternal love….or die in the process.

This however seemed odd…

Currently they were sitting on some gigantic sofa, all of the characters present. Even Chef, Pip and the minor girls were there.

"Excuse me but where we?" Kyle asked looking around, afraid of what was about to happen in the fanfic.

"Yeah, I was just about to beat Stan suddenly BOOM! We got into this crazy reality."

"You were fighting over me so I don't it's that much of a loss." the redhead mumbled, turning his gaze towards Stan and Cartman.

"Gee, I am sure as hell glad I am here, fellas for it is a nice change…"

For a few brief moments our beloved characters were relieved they back to their usual forms…well except that they had magically turned into teenagers

However they were their original gender, didn't wear make up and weren't pregnant so that was definitely something.

Everyone was chatting with their friends leisurely, glad they didn't have to get married, adopting children or writing suicide letters.

And then…

_It happened._

An army of OC looking girls marched in. Because of course there can't be even a mere second of peace in the Fanfiction World.

The girls were mostly young, most of them having South Park T-shirts or worse – wearing T-shirt of some "deep" emo bands the authors hasn't heard of because they don't really care about hipster music and slam poetry.

Silence took over the stage of the story for a moment.

"Who the fuck are these bitches!?" Cartman grunted, the first one to break the awkward silence.

"Language!" his mother scorned.

"Hey, that my line!" Tony Stark whined, having somehow appeared on the stage. He was in the wrong fandom but never mind, the author just had to make that reference.

One of the girls who seemed to be their leader cleared her throat.

"We are the fangirls committee. The authors of these stories."

"You-you are what!?" the boys shouted in unison, a devious plan beginning to form in their heads.

"No, need to thank us for the amazing stories we have written you into."

"Thank you!?"

"Beetch, I'll shoot you! No one fucks with Ze Mole without la punishment!" Christophe was on his feet, a gun appearing out of thin air and being well-aimed at the girls.

"Mon ami, leave them alone." Gregory said in his beautiful British accent, his pale hand placed gently on the French's arm.

"Don't you fuckeeng call me mon ami! We are not loverz, you English brat!" the bad mouthed mercenary cried out and prepared to shoot.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" the leader of the girls said calmly, a devious smile playing over her thin lips.

"What?"

"We are the bosses here and we do whatever we want with you."

"Ze Mole iz not afraid of some silly beetches!"

"You should be."

The leader of the fangirls snapped her finger.

In mere seconds men with guns barged in.

"SLASH POLICE HANDS IN THE AIR!"

"What ze fuck?!"

"Christophe Tophe you are arrested for refusing to fuck Gregory on multiple occasions, cheating on him with Kyle and…"

Gregory looked particularly hurt at these words, a few runaway tears streaming down the sides of his face.

"You can't arrest me! I thought America iz a free country!"

"Free my ass…" Stan grunted. He wanted to say something of actual importance but of course the Fanfiction was not a place for such things since teenagers nowadays don't care about anything but sex and money, so the author kept him quiet.

The Slash Police agents took the mercenary away after some really intense drama but you won't read about it since the author didn't really feel like writing it out (or wasn't capable of doing so).

"What is going to happen with him?" Wendy asked in a small voice. In reality she wasn't the bitch the fandom made her out to be but authors didn't care explore her interesting character because you know...she's a girl and FanFiction is 90 percent yaoi.

"Oh, they are going to make him have sex with Mr Garisson everyday for a few months in jail." one of the members of the Fanfiction committee explained in a calm manner of speech, almost as if she was talking about the weather.

"Well, children I'm sure as hell not gonna enjoy that, for you all know I am not a homosexual." their teacher said, unable to hide the arousal in his voice.

…

"I am going to bail him out, we are going to live in England and have babies…" Gregory exclaimed, a dreamy expressing painted over his light features.

(Because everybody has a thing for British teenagers or else One Direction wouldn't exist)

"What the hell is wrong with you, dude!?" Kyle cried and slapped the Brit across the face.

"I know what's going on with him – those, the fan girls, have gotten into his head, fellas! They, they've made him loose his mind!" Butters said, panic evident in his voice.

"GAH, IT'S A CONSPIRACY. It's gonna happen to all of us!"

"Shut up, Tweek! It's not a fucking conspiracy."

"But Craig you – GAH - said the same about the pants gnomes."

"There _are_ no pants gnomes, Tweek!" the noirette grumbled, exasperated. Not only did he have to put up with the Creek stories but even worse – now Matt and Trey had the nerve to make them canon as well! Like, he understood that was satire but he doubted the rest of the American population would.

"Gah, I liked you better when you were my boyfriend…"

"So please tell me why are we here?" Kyle turned to the Fanfiction committee rather annoyed.

"I am glad you asked Kyle." one of the girls said, as any stereotypical villain would utter that line sooner or later, "You are here for the Crack Pairing Show."

"The what?"

"Is this about my mom cause she's a crack whore?" Cartman asked, bewildered.

"Eric, sweety mommy is not a whore."

"Actually you are a whore, Mrs. Cartman. All parents in fanfics are either magically missing or written of as horrible monsters." one of the OC girls, wearing a T-shirt that recited:

"I saw a Bunny take a Dip in the Creek and I smiled because it was Style."

….

"We, the FanGirl committee gather once every week to talk about fresh ideas about our brilliant stories, we get drunk and then write under the moonlight and the sound of the deep lyrics of Some Emo Band."

"Oh, yeah we can definitely notice that you're drunk while writing!" Kyle snickered "The grammar, the missing motives, the terrible characterization…as if that wasn't enough of a tip off."

"And so can some of the readers, I bet." Stan backed him up.

All of a sudden he had this strange urge to support his best friend in every way. _Without his clothes for example_. Stan pinched the bridge of his nose, shaking his head as if to make the uncensored thoughts go away. Maybe Butters was right and these stories were starting to get to their heads after all.

"Pff, no they can't. All readers love OC stories, adore the clichés and most of all : the emo stories."

"And that's exactly why the world is so fucked up, full of conformists." Henrietta, one of the Goth girls pointed out, stifling a yawn. She was so bored of all of this conformity going around.

"So, not that I care, but why are we here today." Craig asked however it sounded more like a statement because of his monotone nature.

"You are here for us girls to get fresh ideas for Crack Pairings."

"What is a crack pairing!?" Clyde wondered because after all he wanted to have some sort of a role in the fandom, even if it was in the form of a one-liner that only stood there for the sake of progressing the plot.

"Well, a crack pairing is a pairing between two characters who would never ever be together on the show."

"Then ALL of the pairings in the fandom are crack!" Kyle screamed, slamming his fist on the arm set of the sofa.

"You think so?" the leader of the OC girls whose name read: _"ULTRA*MEGA*CREEK*SHIPPER*xD"_ teased with a sly smile.

"Well then Kyle you are the first one to go. Here is how this happens – we have a giant glass case with all of the names of the South Park characters who you are least possible to be with."

"Stan's name should be in there…." Kyle mumbled but for whatever reason his best friend glared at him, apparently dissatisfied with his statement. The Jewish teen was beginning to worry that his best friend might actually be slowly turning into his final FanFiction form.

"Whoever's name I take is you new soul mate."

Some really dramatic music started playing on the never ending fandom playlist to make the situation even more intense:

_"_ _The choice you make…_

_In life…_

_Your new wife…_

_Kyle is…."_

The fan girl stepped towards the glass case and after a few more intense minutes for dramatic effect, she took a small pink piece of paper.

"Kyle Broflofski – Marsh your new soul mate is… Stan's Grandfather!"

"WHAT!?" all of the characters shrieked in one voice.

Only Cartman was on the floor laughing out loud. He was starting to like these stories after all.

"Ha-ha-ha! The Jew is with that old dude! Ha-ha-ha!"

"Uh, didn't he like die or something?" Craig asked, incredulous.

"Are you saying that dead people can't have sex?" PC principal demanded, "That's discrimination right there!"

"It doesn't even matter!" the leader said angrily. "They will make an AMAZING couple."

(In Fanfiction you just have to use capitals, otherwise the readers won't get your point)

"Their love is so impossible…oh, it's gonna be so romantic!" another fangirl swooned, a dreamy expression plastered on her face.

"Hey, Kahl I know what I'm gonna give ya for your birthday! Viagra!" Cartman kept laughing, tears of amusement rolling down his fat cheeks.

The redhead was about to beat the crap out of Eric when suddenly he was pulled into a T rated story with Stan's grandfather. Well, at least it wasn't M.

"Shut up Eric Cartman we all know you wanted Kyle for yourself but don't worry the Kyman chapter is coming up pretty soon." The main OC girl, the author assured with a sly smile.

"But for now you'll have to deal with some Crack pairing…now let's see…"

Cartman and…Damien!"

WHAT!?

"Oh, no I am not settling for him! He is fucking insane." Cartman shrieked, waving his hands fanatically and of course the author had the strong urge to use CAPITALS.

Damien came near Cartman – he was already in his fandom form, clad in a black leather outfit, lots of mascara and guyliner smeared over his face much like the Winter Soldier and some very manly knee high boots.

"Well, I preferred that blonde bimbo Pip but I guess fatso here is going to do just fine."

"D-do what?" Cartman stammered, horror written in his brown eyes.

"Oh, you're going to do just fine with all the torturing."

"I am going to torture people in Hell!? Really!? Oh, can we pleaassse take Kahl, pretty pleeeeaaaseee!"

"Oh, no Eric – you will be the tortured one."

The fat teen froze, his features distorted in a mask of terror. All the other characters found it really funny since he was after all the bad guy.

"What have I done to deserve this?" he cried out, hot tears streaming down his chubby cheeks since the story needed more angst.

"Uh, do you really want a list?" Stan asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"That's gonna be one long ass list." Kenny pointed out.

A series of flashbacks started before Cartman protested, "Okay, okay I get it already, I'm not as nice as most fanfics make me out to be but-"

Before he could finish what he was about to say, Damien let out a laugh, snapped his finger and both he and Cartman vanished in grey and red flames.

"Well, at least we got rid of those two." Stan mumbled.

"Stan Marsh and...Ike Broflofski!" another OC declared her devious plans for an M rated fanfic.

"Ike!?"

 _"_ _Me?!"_ the small child cried out, upon hearing his name.

"But…but he's just twelve!" Sheila protested, holding tight to her son.

"And twelve is a perfect age to have sex in the fandom!"

"And even in real life…"

"Shut up Kenny!"

"Ugh, guys we really shouldn't be saying such stuff, even if it's a fanfic." A small voice, known by many names such as _logic_ and _reason_ or morality called but for whatever reason it went unheard.

"Oh, Kenny and…Tweek!"

"Oh, well I like them blonde."

"Kenny you like them no matter what."

"That's right, Craig…my friend…did I tell you that you ass is sooo.." Kenny started saying but Tweek interrupted him:

"But GAH I don't want THE PRESSURE! NGH!"

"Tweek and…Mrs Cartman!"

"Principal Victoria and PC Principal!"

The two adults shared a bewildered look before the man took out a "SEX AGREEMENT FORM" and handed it to her with a serious expression.

"Now in order for me to touch your vagina, with my penis, a finger or... with an inanimate object, you have to sign this."

The blonde stared at him, unable to understand just as to when America had turned into a place where couples needed to sign such documents.

Suddenly some weird white light flashed in front of them and they were send off into a fanfic in Communist Russia.

"Oh, no, this is such an intolerant place!" PC principal cried out upon meeting the gaze of an entire hoard of intolerant Russians, loaded with Kalashnikovs in their hands because really that is how Americans imagine everyone in Eastern Europe.

"Welcome to my country, да~!" Russia, the Hetalia character, cried out as he wrapped his hands around the two Americans.

"We don't welcome tolerant pussies here" he added, whispering into the year of the horrified blonde man.

"Hey, using the word pussy in a derogative term! It is a form of Mysogini!" he declared, only for Russia to slam his metal pipe over his head and effectively silence him since the author hated political correctness.

"Uh, I didn't know this story was a cross-over." Principal Victoria mumbled.

"Neither did I." the author responded, hands in her pockets, casually.

* * *

Meanwhile, the Crack Pairing Show went on, picking up crazy couples like Bebe and Kyle's father and even Towlie and Token.

Reality stood in the corner, a grim expression painted over his face.

"When did the world come to this?" he shook his head before an OC boy came over and started raping him because some people like reading about rape and have no sympathy for actual rape victims.

"Oh, the symbolism." Reality mumbled.

Wait…isn't this supposed to be a comedy? Why did it take such a sad turn?

Ah, well the author must have just switched up the stories she was writing about…not to mention everyone loves angst, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A reader requested PC Principal x Victoria – and here it is!  
> I loved the character Reality and just couldn't pass the opportunity to include him.  
> Uh…sorry for the harsh ending of this chapter, I promise the next will be much more light hearted.  
> If you're enjoying the story, please let me know! Your reviews serve as a huge motivation and let me know I'm not all that crazy for writing this :D  
> Have a nice day!


	7. Psycho Emo Tales

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Due to the heavy use of foul language, sarcasm, and overall silliness the story should not be taken seriously by anyone.

**_Psycho Emo Tales_ **

Craig Tucker was fast asleep in his bed, tired after a hectic day in the fandom when suddenly his mobile phone started ringing with the theme song of the Red Racer so he lazily got up, cursing all the way till he found his phone under one of his black T-shirts starring a middle finger.

"Who the fuck are you and what the fuck do you want?!" the noirette shouted, because as we all know whenever he is not emo or busy raping Kyle he is really _, really_ pissed off for some reason.

"GAH CRAIG! SO GLAD YOU PICKED UP! WE ARE THE ONLY ONES LEFT, CRAIG!"

"Tweek what are you talking about? Why are you calling me in three in the morning?"

"BECAUSE ALL THE CREEK FANFICS START OFF LIKE THIS!"

"Are you saying we are in a fanfic!?" Craig said in a doubting manner, raising a black eyebrow at the other's antics.

"GAH THE PRESSURE WE ARE!"

"Tweek why the hell are you talking in CAPITALS!?"

"I don't know man! It's just THE PRESSURE! Fan girls make me do things I don't want to…they make me think about how you and I _in the shower!_

_Not just showering…"_

"Tweek relax! We are not the main characters why would fan girls write about us when…"

" . . .left!"

"What do you mean we are the only ones left? Oh, let me guess the pants gnomes ate all the other characters." Craig said, sarcasm dripping from his thick voice.

"No! Fan girls are so much worse than the pant gnomes, Craig!"

"Wow, now we're talking! So where are those four main characters everybody loves so much?"

"Well…Stan was sent in a madhouse after he tried to cut his veins with a spoon…because he misses Kyle so much."

"And I always thought you would be the one ending in a madhouse."

"Ha-ha,very funny, Craig! NGH THE PRESSURE!"

"And where are Kyle and Cartman then?"

"In Germany."

"What the fuck are they doing in Germany!? How the hell did they get there we're only ten!"

"GAH no we're not! We are always 18 in the fandom, Creek! Oh, I mean Craig!"

"Yeah, but that still doesn't explain what they're doing in Germany! And why am I talking only with explanation sentences!? Don't the fangirls know what a monotonous person sounds like?!"

"Yeah, well fan girls GAH don't really care about writing you in character. Anyway, Kyle is in a concentration camp while Cartman is a Nazi officer who sexually abuses him. THE PRESSURE!"

"And how the hell did they go back in time?"

"GAH, I DON'T KNOW! FAN GIRLS MUST HAVE built them A TIME MACHINE! AND A GENDER BENDER MACHINE AND AND…"

"Tweek relax! Now!"

"I'll try…"

"There are still a lot of main characters remaining. I mean why would fangirls obsess over us anyway? What happened to Kenny? Butters? Wendy?"

"Kenny is in hell, trying to get Pip and Damien together. Butters got kidnapped by a crazy English OC girl with green hair, Wendy is pregnant with Bebe's child."

"Oh, I see….Wait how come Bebe got Wendy pregnant? I mean with what did she get -"

"I don't know man! Must be that omega verse again! THE PRESSURE! WE ARE THE ONLY ONES LEFT!"

"Tweek, calm down and stop talking in capitals damn it!"

"But..."

"No buts! And in fucking hell is the omega verse!?"

"Oh, well it's this um…like you know an AU?"

"Alternate Universe…yean and?"

"Well, it's this AU where there are alpha and omega men. And the omega men can get pregnant or…err, something?!"

"WHAT?! Who the fuck thought that was a good idea?"

"Probably those GAH you know really liberal people and Tumblr fans and what not…And women can have penises or something too."

"Tweek…I'm hanging up now, I don't want to spend another second hearing about this!" Craig deadpanned as the image of Bebe with a penis swam in his imagination.

"Fan girls won't write about us we are the minor characters in this cartoon!"

"Umm…Craig we are not GAH supposed to know we are characters in a cartoon!

And we are not supposed to PRESSURE know that this is a fanfic and- and GAH!"

"Just think of us as if we are Deadpool or somehting."

"Who's Deadpool?"

Craig rolled his eyes – really? How could there be anyone who didn't know who the coolest comic book anti-hero of all time was.

"Never mind. Just know that I really don't care about you, you are not my friend and most definitely not my fandom or whatever kind of crush."

"But even Matt Stone and Trey Parker want us together – dude, didn't you watch the latest season?"

"Ugh, yeah, as if the Creek fanfics weren't enough now we're canon. Why couldn't have fucking Style become cannon!?"

"So GAH you're not going to come to my place and cuddle with me? And then take care of me and THE PRESSURE WHAT AM I SAYING!?"

"No."

"But the fan girls…"

"Screw the fan girls."

And right then the phone went dead.

Why?

Well, because the author didn't know how to continue the conversation.

* * *

Craig's alarm went off in six o'clock, some emo song playing.

The noirette smashed his fist against the device and then slowly went towards the bathroom wondering if perhaps the alarm was some crazy April Fool's joke from his sister because he most certainly did not listen to anything remotely emo.

"What the fuck!?" he cried out upon witnessing his reflection in the mirror because for whatever reason the readers, really _really_ needed like five paragraphs describing his fandom form.

First of all he was really, really tall and really skinny. There were the bruises covering his whole body and then….then was the tattoo! But not just any tattoo.

Craig most certainly did not remember having a tattoo on his _ass_ saying:

**Tweek 3 is my vanilla crazy bebe!**

That didn't even make sense!

But that wasn't all of it. Craig's hair had somehow magically became really, really long over night, shiny and emo styled even though that is so 2006. And then….there was this huge black line on his upper lash.

"What the fuck - is this an guyliner?" the noirette stuttered in horror, vaguely realizing what it since his sister had insisted on explaining him the horrors of the make up world one day.

Craig tried washing it off but it wouldn't wash.

"I look like Marilyn Manson, damn it!" he cried, slamming his fist against the bathroom sink.

" _Oh, but Craig you like Marilyn Manson."_ the author remarked in a thoughtful manner.

"No, no I don't! You like Marilyn Manson and you just decided to randomly make the characters of the fanfic you're writing like you just like all the other authors do!"

" _You know what you're not very nice! I'm gonna make your parents abuse you!_ " the author declared, crossing her arms and vanishing into thin air.

"Why the fuck am I so angry!? I should be all emotionless and shit."

Then the teenager went on a half-a-page rant about his horrible life that unlike most authors do, will be spared.

When Craig finally calmed down, he went to his wardrobe only to find out that the fan girls had stolen all of his clothes and replaced them with whatever they found appropriate for an eighteen-year-old-boy.

"Why the hell are all my clothes black with purple skeletons and skulls on them!? And why do I keep talking to myself? Do all characters talk to themselves?"

Craig then went to have breakfast but of course there was no breakfast because he has a horrible family and it seems like he being just eighteen years old he couldn't make himself some.

And why on Earth can't at least ONE character have a normal family in these stories?

"I fucking hate you, you stupid alcoholic piece of shit"

"Not as much as I hate you – you stupid cunt!"

The only purpose of this lazy-written bad dialogue is to highlight the dramatic interactions between his parents, allowing the readers to understand how tough Craig's life is.

But for some reason his horrible domestic environment won't be further mentioned.

What reason? _Oh, yes – slash._

* * *

( **Insert** : _Awkward transition in the story that makes no sense_ )

The author sent Craig in the middle of the hall at school.

"Oh, great some more high school drama. You already wrote about this in the previous chapters, you are getting repetitive." the noirette mumbled to the author.

Or wait…was that in the previous chapter? Or the next one?

Everybody in the hall was either crying, cutting themselves, having a fight with their fandom soul mate or getting drunk.

Cause this is all that ever happens in high school really. Yeap, totally realistic, not exaggerating at all.

"I miss elementary school…" Craig whispered to himself, he was getting used to having dramatic monologues.

Then he heard someone crying from the rest room because for whatever reason this happens in almost every story.

Nevertheless, the teen only rolled his eyes and continued walking in the direction of his next class, trying very hard to ignore a hysterically crying Clyde who was blaming Token in cheating.

 _"_ _Aren't you going to see who's crying?"_ the author demanded, rather annoyed by Craig's lack of interest to her _amazing_ story.

"No, I don't care." Craig shrugged off.

As if it wasn't enough that he had leather pants on (which were waaay to tight around his eyes) and a T-shirt with pink skulls on him, he had a tattoo which made no sense but now he had to be all caring and stuff?

When was that part of his character?

 _"_ _But Tweek is the one crying."_ The author pouted, making a sad face.

"Yes, I guessed that, so did all the readers I assume…"

_"_ _Craig don't be like that! We won't get enough reviews! I need reviews for my low self-confidence."_

The noirette rolled his eyes and then somehow found himself in front of the bathroom stall where Tweek was crying through the *power of plo*.

"So what you fan girls can teleport us now, too?"

_"_ _The abilities of fan girls are unlimited, Craig."_

"You know what else is unlimited?"

"Uh, the possibilities for slash?"

"No, human stupidity…"

"Haha, very funny." The author shot back, giving him a glare.

"Perhaps you'd like to join Kyle and Cartman in WWII, huh, Craig?" she intrigued with a menacing look over her face.

Craig gulped, he didn't know a lot about WWII because the American education system only thought them pointless things but what he did remember was not nice. At all.

He sighed in exasperation before clenching next to his blonde best friend or soul mate or whatever and offering him the best fake interested look he was capable of under the stern look of the fangirls.

"So Tweek not that I care but why are you crying?"

"It's GAH everybody abuses meeeee! And-and you don't love your Tweekers!"

"My _wha_ t? When have I ever called you Tweekers? This just…this sounds ridiculous!"

Then another character popped out of nowhere.

"Oh, hey Craig."

"Clyde? What are you doing here? This is not a ClydexCraig… right? You were crying about Token like…three minutes ago?"

"Nah, ClydexToken is more popular cause the fangirls have some creepy, borderline racist fantasies about swirling."

Craig had no idea what "swirling" was but something told him he didn't want to either.

"Oh. So what are you doing here then?"

"Well, I am here mostly because it's better to have more characters in the story."

"And you don't have anything to do with the plot?"

"There was this one thing but I can't remember it…maybe that's because of the amount of weed I smoke." Clyde grinned.

"I thought it was non-working weed."

"Oh, oh! I remembered it!"

"Oh boy…"

"I am here so you can tell me you're gay and in love with Tweek. Because I'm your best friend."

The shorter teen recited under the approving gaze of the author who just held out a sheet of paper with his lines.

"But I am not in love with this twitchy psycho creature. And I have no friends." Craig deadpanned, glaring at his supposed best friend. (When was it even implied they were best friends anyway?)

"It's okay, dude. I accept you as gay." Clyde said in a sing-song voice, stretching out his hands to hug the couple before him.

"Clyde, are you even fucking listening to me!? I am not gay! I am asexual!"

"Embrace your sexuality, Craig." Clyde preached much like a SJW who has missed an episode of Orange Is The New Black.

"No! I am not in love with Tweek."

"Are you saying you're in love with me then?" Clyde asked, his beautiful brown eyes the size of pans.

"No! I don't love any of you!"

"Oh, Craig I've always known we're meant to be!" the brunette shouted, throwing himself at the noirette.

"We can totally have a threesome!" Tweek squealed in joy, suddenly having forgotten his tics through the power of slash.

"Are you trying to rape me? I thought I was the rapist in these stories, damn it!" Craig cried out in defensiveness.

"You know me and you and Tweek – we'll just live together, all three of us – one big gay happy family! You'll totally be the Alpha and we can be the Omegas and-and"

"I approve of that!" Tweek blonde exclaimed, forgetting how mere seconds ago he was crying because most stories don't have even the basic understanding of human emotions and how they work.

"We can invite Token, too!"

"No! NO!"

"Craig you can even invite Thomas!"

"Polygamy is a great thing and a great plot! There are a lot of stories where Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny live all four together, fucking like bunnies."

"We will even have babies!" Tweek recited with a dreamy expression.

"You're all insane!" Craig shouted, fighting off Clyde and Tweek's tight embrace and breaking into a run.

He ran and ran until he reached Stark Pond.

Then he did the only thing characters do whenever they have love problems – contemplated suicide.

Because this seems like such a fine message for all teenage readers – instead of fighting and never giving up you should just cut yourself. So moralistic, so helpful…

Stan's actions didn't seem all that crazy now to Craig.

After all love is something way too hard especially in the fandom.

"You know what? I am done with all of this! I want out! I am so tired!" he cried, falling to his knees, hands in the air, screaming at the fan girls under the sounds of some Depressing Emo Song.

A gun appeared out of nowhere as it always does because this is America.

"Goodbye, cruel fanfics!"

And Craig shot himself.

(It was ironic really since this was the whole plan of the fanfic because suicide fics always have reviews.)

* * *

_Somewhere in hell._

(Because after-life stories might get reviews as well.)

"Oh, hey dude." a voice said, sounding drunk and oddly familiar.

Oh, this was SO anticlamatic…

"K-kenny?"

"Yeah, hi! It was about time you came in hell for the Crenny stories." The blonde said with a smirk, already tugging off his pants and throwing them into the flames of hell.

"The…the what stories! Oh, no! No hell no!" Craig screamed in utter horror as he remembered that Slash wasn't limited to just the living world.

"Well, we can have an orgy with Damien and Pip too. Fan girls love polygamy. Makes them think they're open minded and wild." Kenny winked with a knowing expression.

(He himself didn't mind the fanfics all THAT much since sex was sex after all. Problems started when he mysteriously got pregnant or abused or whatever.)

Pip appeared on the stage, dressed in nothing but lacy hot pink underwear and dancing on a pole.

And Damien looked like rather pervy as he made his way towards poor Craig.

So…he was getting raped by the Antichrist?

Man, the possibilities in this fandom are endless…

Craig had only one thing to say to Matt Stone and Trey Parker:

"None of this was is in my contract! I was told I would be just some cartoon character, no one said anything about fanfics!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what did you think of Creek?Did you like the usual overly emotional and dramantic banter? Or the Omega Verse? (Look it up...not actually don't look it up, okay?)
> 
> There will be a chapter for every couple so don't hesitate to send in your suggestions!  
> If you're enjoying the story, please let me know!


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